Sorry for myself…

Since the last time I posted I have managed to have multiple breakdowns. Wanted to have myself committed. Drunken to excess to just numb myself. I have wanted to not be here, yes you know what I mean. I have also done things that I never expected like take time off work to rediscover me. I have managed to get my husband to fall back in love with me not that he was out of love but I guess it was more like sparks again. I have found my love of cooking. I have found out what it means to be a Mom and enjoy my children.

My work has not allowed me to bring my service dog, without him I struggle to cope. I have pushed and pushed myself to the point of breaking and finally the night before I had to go work I hysterically started crying like I was dying. My husband gave me some sleeping aids called out of work for me and said we have to fix this. I decided to take time off work find a therapist and life looks so much better. I know we will be tight for money but my husband said it doesn’t matter if I’m not happy.

Every day I miss working but if I don’t have my tools than I’m not whole. I know I have a disability but it isn’t an inability it’s just that I need my service dog. He knows me better than I know me. He alerts when panic attacks are coming on when I am extremely anxious. He even started alerting when I have hypoglycemia and my sugar levels drop dangerously low. It just really feels awful to feel like I gave up on my students when I really haven’t, my sense of responsibility to be out there teaching is a major part of my person but I know that I am limited if I don’t have the tools that I need.

For now, I am trying not to think about it because it does hurt to not be helping my students. I also need my tools to help navigate a life with disabilities. Am I wrong? Is it bad that I took the time? I think about being at work but I also like the me that I am now. I think that if I were allowed my service dog my students would get more out of me. I know I am a good teacher because I care and push and work hard to get them to learn. I have accomplished goals that were deemed impossible without my dog, imagine what I could do with him. I am disabled not because I want to be but because it’s my genetic makeup. I have tools to make me whole yet I can’t use them… What do you think?

Life gets in the way!

Sometimes, no matter how much you try things just hit the fan and you’re left with a pile a poo. That’s what the last couple of weeks feel like for me. I want to be an able body but things just keep getting in the way.

People have been out at work and there have been gap and holes that I have been trying to fix not because I want to but because I don’t want the poor substitute to be left stranded and to have students speak down to her, that is unfair. I might not always stand up for myself but I will stand up for other when I see something isn’t right.

The demands of work are getting overwhelming, having to go above and beyond is ok if you volunteered for it but the reality is that we just keep getting asked to do more, we aren’t machines and playing on the heartstrings of teachers isn’t something that you should do. As teachers we choose this profession with the hopes of helping other but how can we help others is we are getting pulled in so many directions?

Working overtime… Tutoring hasn’t really been demanding. I tutor and amazing child, it’s more like I just have another item on my todo list. I do have to acknowledge that tutoring takes time and focused attention.

Then there is the home life, having stepchildren isn’t always as easy as it may look especially when you are parenting with someone that you don’t agree with. Days are filled with lice treatments for my stepchildren because they have been coming home with it since June. Then the disinfecting process that goes with it. Washing sheets, wiping and spraying. Trying to keep the other two from catching it and yourself. Having your OCD really go into overdrive, thinking you got some on your person.

Then, there is you. You know you aren’t like everyone else and your not supposed to but having an invisible disability really takes a toll on you. Having Teddy has helped a lot but I am limited, I put in a request for work and I am still waiting. Teddy is an owner trained service dog, he is still in training but already is alerting to some of my behaviors. He gives me a sense of independence that I didn’t think was possible. Already I have noticed that I am venturing out and exploring alone, or with family. Teddy is an SDiT so we still go to classes and training which is fun. I actually enjoy it and see it more as a destresser than anything else.

Regardless, my life just seems like chaos. I have a pending court date for the kids who I adore. I would love to adopt them but their Mom is still involved. Life just gets so complicated… Modern Mommy has to be on 24/7 but really she needs a month plus vacation…


Being a parent isn’t easy and I really do wish they came with instructions but they don’t. My children were sick this weekend and I took Friday and Monday off since they wanted nothing to do with Dad, just Mommy. Over the weekend, I realized how hard it is to balance work and life. I felt guilty because I took time to be with my children.  How is it that although I invest more than 10 hours a week in free overtime I feel guilt over taking time to snuggle with babies that will only one be 1 and 2 for a short while?

What do you do when you don’t feel like you?

I remember I used to enjoy life. The thought of children although scary was also thrilling to have a little mini version of you to chase around as giggles fill the air. What happened to me? I look outside and I’m scared. I look at my children as they hold up their arms for me to care and I think I wish I could feel and I know that I should. I know that I love them and I say it to them but I wonder if they feel my love when I don’t feel it. What happened to me?

It has been awhile

It has been a long time since I have been on here. It feels like ages. Truthfully, life seems to have gotten in the way. As I have stated in the past, most of you know that I suffer from anxiety and depression.  My husband and I talked to our doctor about whether I would qualify for a service dog. Turns out I do.

Teddy is just 8 months old and he is an owner trained service dog in training. I’m struggling with him, not in the sense that he is bad but in the sense that people see him and they want to know whats wrong with me. Having Teddy is like this giant label and regardless I will carry my label as long as Teddy is with me because he does help. I feel like I got duped into thinking that normal does exist when truthfully it doesn’t. What do you think?

How do I just let it go?

How do I let things go? Here I am trying to make it through the day and all want to do it call it quits. My husband read my last blog and I could tell that it really affected him. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad but what I wanted was to tell someone how I feel. He is my partner in crime except when it comes to my depression and anxiety. How do I tell him that it really isn’t him that it’s me. How do I tell him that there are moments when I wish I want here and that no matter how much I want to say I love you I just can’t. There is this invisible wall that doesn’t let me escape that no matter how much I want to be there and enjoy the moment I just can’t. How do I tell him that there are times when I don’t want to be here and I know its not right to feel like that but I do?

The not so pretty me…

Anxiety and depression… I went to the doctor’s. My medication isn’t working as well as it should. It’s ninety degrees outside and sunny, I should want to be out with my kids chasing the dogs instead, I see this invisible fence that won’t let me feel for them. What kind of monster am I? I know that I love them and I will protect them but why can’t I feel for them. They are there and it’s like I’m not even in the same room with them. I have pretty cute kids that cuddle and hug. I should be beaming at them. I know I am physically there but it’s like I can’t be part of their world. An outsider always staring in… Why?

My husband suprises me with roses and I should be over the moon. Instead, I go through the motions of hugging him and giving him a kiss. All the while, I am thinking ugh how long is this going to last. Why did he bother with the flowers? Will he be expecting sex tonight because I don’t think I can handle that. I mean who does that? Me, that’s who. I thank him and try to go to bed before him. I shouldn’t be like this but I am. Why?

I feel like an empty shell and as I explain this to my doctor I feel guilt because there in the room is my husband, holding my hand as I cry about it all. I think how can this man be here like this after I just said that I don’t want him near me. How can he stand to be married to someone like me? I’m robotic and cold. I don’t let my feelings show and when I talk about them I need him in the room with the doctor even if he sees what a monster I am. How can I explain this to anyone? How do I tell people that I love that I can’t love them the way that they might want me to?


Why is it that as parents, we feel like we are undeserving of ourselves? I know that when I wake up to my personal alarm, usually my one and two year olds crying, it’s time to start the day. First thing is to get them settled, usually changing diapers, getting bottles of milk, breakfast, etc. In between, I am usually rushing to drink my coffee knowing that solid breakfast doesn’t really happen until lunch which is  made while they nap… I usually end up sharing my lunch when they wake up in between my eating it.


I know that I do a lot for my family often at my expense and I feel myself burning out, so why do I feel guilt when I take some time for me? Why do I feel awful when my ten minute shower turns into a 40 minute one since the kids are actually napping when I finally decided I had time to become human again? Why is there guilt when I took 20 minutes to read a crappy romance novel that is a luxury instead of rushing to do laundry? Maybe, it’s because time is a luxury or rather those moments to spare are. As parents, we put ourselves last and sometimes that makes us worse. I know I’m not the greatest of parents, I have snapped at my children when I overworked myself and yet I feel guilt when I try to recharge my battery.

The society, we live in now values efficiency and I think it’s great but  it means that the aspects of life or rather the luxury of time for ourselves is obsoleted. Is that where the guilt comes from because I’m no longer being efficient?

Messing up

IMG_2735Every night I go to bed and I think about how bad I messed up. Or rather, are the choices that I made the right one for my family and me. Everyday, I think what can I fudge up on today! No, I don’t think that but I do think that I am messing up royally. I hide my shame and push through thinking I am lucky to be alive so why don’t I feel like it?

It’s morbid, I know, to think the way that I do. I know that this isn’t the way to go about it but I can’t help what I am thinking.  I know that I shouldn’t but regardless I still do it.

Every night, I go to bed thinking how could I do better or rather how can I be better for those that I love? Then, I think isn’t that messed up? Shouldn’t I want to be better for me? Where do I factor into this equation?

I no longer recognize me… I don’t know where I fit or where I should belong… Is that right or wrong? I know that I am important but how do I tell myself that? How do I change this?

It is sad,  I know but I can only be honest with myself when I let go, after a glass of wine. I know this might not be healthy but it’s also not a regular thing. I know I can’t make a habit out of it. Routines are important… they are how I live my life…

Anxiety and Depression

There have been a lot of recent articles and postings all over social media on the topics of depression and anxiety. There’s a wealth of knowledge out there but regardless of how much knowledge there is, no one will actually know how it feels unless they have it and suffer from it.

Most people reading this are probably like here it goes again… Another person talking about something that they can control, it’s just a state of mind. I suffer from both anxiety and depression, for years but, in my culture, I was told that I was bored or that it didn’t exist. I have a very supportive husband that pushed me to seek professional help. To the world, I seem to have a my shiznit together, aka my life together. In reality, I am putting on my mask and creating my happy persona or what people want to see.

No one want to know that you got issues, especially mental health ones. Why? That just means you are crazy and should be in the loony bin. I struggle with it all the time. I’ve been on medication and I try to avoid taking it; knowing that I need it. Always hoping that I made it up that it doesn’t exist. Instead, I live in my head talking to myself avoiding people and social interactions even with my own children and spouse.

I try to make myself go out and have people come over my house when all I want to do crawl into a hole and sleep for an infinite amount of time. Or cry until I have no more tears to cry for no reason at all.  Yet, I don’t do it. I make my life this routine service where a clock can be set and I try never to deviate from it. I get up in the morning, feed the babies, let them out of the cribs, play with them, shower, put them down for a nap, make lunch, feed them, etc.

Secretly, I want them to take a nap just so that I can go curl into myself and sleep to shut off the doubt and chaos in my mind. Instead, I pretend like everything is alright. I avoid going out with my service dog in training and I set my routines hoping no one will notice that I am damaged. I am broken… Being like this is not acceptable, especially for someone like me who has it all: multiple degrees, a career, a loving husband, children, a home, family…