Since the last time I posted I have managed to have multiple breakdowns. Wanted to have myself committed. Drunken to excess to just numb myself. I have wanted to not be here, yes you know what I mean. I have also done things that I never expected like take time off work to rediscover me. I have managed to get my husband to fall back in love with me not that he was out of love but I guess it was more like sparks again. I have found my love of cooking. I have found out what it means to be a Mom and enjoy my children.
My work has not allowed me to bring my service dog, without him I struggle to cope. I have pushed and pushed myself to the point of breaking and finally the night before I had to go work I hysterically started crying like I was dying. My husband gave me some sleeping aids called out of work for me and said we have to fix this. I decided to take time off work find a therapist and life looks so much better. I know we will be tight for money but my husband said it doesn’t matter if I’m not happy.
Every day I miss working but if I don’t have my tools than I’m not whole. I know I have a disability but it isn’t an inability it’s just that I need my service dog. He knows me better than I know me. He alerts when panic attacks are coming on when I am extremely anxious. He even started alerting when I have hypoglycemia and my sugar levels drop dangerously low. It just really feels awful to feel like I gave up on my students when I really haven’t, my sense of responsibility to be out there teaching is a major part of my person but I know that I am limited if I don’t have the tools that I need.
For now, I am trying not to think about it because it does hurt to not be helping my students. I also need my tools to help navigate a life with disabilities. Am I wrong? Is it bad that I took the time? I think about being at work but I also like the me that I am now. I think that if I were allowed my service dog my students would get more out of me. I know I am a good teacher because I care and push and work hard to get them to learn. I have accomplished goals that were deemed impossible without my dog, imagine what I could do with him. I am disabled not because I want to be but because it’s my genetic makeup. I have tools to make me whole yet I can’t use them… What do you think?