Kiss & Cry

I wanted a break today. I noticed that I’m not me that I wasn’t prepared for what was to happen, but I’m jumping ahead now.

Today was a hard day for me. It started with a phone call from my Dad, he needed a ride and wanted to see the kids. My kids were down for a nap. I knew that my two-year-old was about to wake, so I went to the nursery. Of course, I was right. So I rushed to get him changed. Packed him in the car, that was a disaster he started crying and screaming. The night before he puked and had some kind of fever with a rash. I decided to take him with me since he had been doing so well the whole day. The car ride to get my Dad was fine. We dropped “Papa” as my kids call him at his house. My kid through a temperature at my parent’s it was awful since he has found the screaming gets me agitated. I struggle with my anxiety and depression but more so my anxiety. Having him be sick and acting out is hard on the anxiety, but I deal with it with my techniques.

We stayed a while for a visit. After I decided to run some errands with Oceanny, my son. We went to the dollar store no problems other than him running away from, walking away I should say. Since the trip wasn’t, bad UI decided to chance it and go to Walmart aka WallyWorld. That was my biggest mistake. I went to pull into a parking spot when this lady does a pull threw. I don’t know if it was the whole day or the fact that I almost hit her head on, but I flipped her off and yelled at her. I ended getting another parking spot in a rush. This is what shocked me. I got out of the car and yelled at her as I was going to get my son. I am not aggressive normally, but I found myself cursing and telling her she should have a license, etc. It was not my best moment. I got Oceanny as she was rushing off to the store telling that she had to pull up because she has a big truck. I found myself mad, not a little but rather seething. I felt disappointed in myself.

Oceanny and I walk off to the store to get the things I need. It was not a good trip to the store. My son again wanted to go off on his own. We were in the kid section is looking to toddler training undies. Oceanny wanted to stay there and kept grabbing Spiderman gear and playing with all the light up toys. Needless to say another Temper tantrum. Ugh, it was bad. I had to get some Spiderman shoes to get him out the store finally. He wanted to put them on right there and then, disaster. I finally got to the checkout, and it was an ok drive back/. I got home, and he kept acting up. I passed him to my husband, Anthony. I told him about my yelling incident. Then, Oceanny was acting up and screaming. I told Anthony that I had to go for a walk. I leashed my dog, Teddy. Teddy and I went for a two-mile walk I was so mad that I did it in record time.

Anyways, I wanted to give myself some time off, so I watched a movie, Kiss, and Cry. I was balling my eyes out because I think there are people with harder more difficult obstacles to overcome. I should be better about things in general, but I forget that I am fighting too with my disability and I should be more the Carley Allison. She made me think of fighting and looking at those key moments that make the fight worth it.

Carley Allison

Human

Christina Perri

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human, yeah

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I’ll get through it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human, yeah

I’m only human
I’m only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
Until I’ve had enough

‘Cause I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human, yeah

Songwriters: Christina Judith Perri / Martin Johnson

Human lyrics © EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

 

Family is important

Today, I really understood how family works and how important it is. I’m not saying that I didn’t know this before but today really made me think about how blessed I am. I woke up to a steaming mug of coffee that my husband made. He took care of all the animals and the kids while I enjoyed a nice long shower. It was amazing. Then, my dog alerted to a hypoglycemic dip which tired me out. I needed a nap and it felt like I literally had woken up. I took one and feel into a deep slumber. My parents came but I could not wake up I guess my body was tired from the dip in sugar levels. My Mom took care of the laundry and dishes even bathe one of the kids. I got up and made lunch but it was how all these people took care of me that made me appreciate family. They are there for you through the good and the bad…

Its ok to not be one hundred percent all the time because not everyone can be and when you aren’t that’s when you rely on those who love you the most.

Trying something new…

My New Year’s Resolution was that I would start journaling and writing something every day and it was too much for me. Why I asked myself couldn’t I keep up with writing or doodling? It’s because I wasn’t balanced so why do we start the resolutions when we just binged on a ton of food and are broke as hell from Christmas presents? So I picked up my journal and decided that I was going to it to work for me! I decided to try to do a bujo or what is known as a bullet journal. I love that thing! I actually look forward to decompressing through art and words. Here are some of the fruits of this labor! Please feel free to comment. What do y’all think about it?

Seeing with New Eyes

In the last few weeks, alot of things have changed and I find myself struggling to cope with the changes. I feel like an empty shell of myself because one of my identities has been stolen from me in a sense. I am no longer a teacher. This was and continues to be one of the hardest decisions that my family and I have made. The reasons for it were out of our control and we did the best with the situation that we were given. I can’t really talk about it because I’m still in a state of shock.

What I do want to talk about is the sense of how my identity was lost and my feelings about it. I am a natural teacher. I have patience and am willing to put myself in the shoes of others but I am no longer an actual teacher. This side of me no longer exists and I feel naked. I mean I know that I can go find another job with other students but I always thought I would grow old where I was. I feel like all my hard work, struggles, and accomplishments were stripped in seconds and just like that, I was no longer a teacher. This part of me no longer exists. I no longer have to get up early to drive to work and plan lessons. Its hard to drop a part of yourself just like that.

So who am I now? Well, I am a stay a home mom at least for now. I struggle with my issues but I have noticed that being at home has shown me that I am still a teacher even if I’m not working where I thought I would retire from. That part of me is still there so why not use it. Being at home has allowed me to get my one-year-old to say please and thank you. It has allowed me to teach my son how to carry groceries from the car to the house and start sharing with his sister. I am many things but I am the one that allows others to make me feel small. I am not small. I am a challenge. I am more than I give myself credit for. I understand that I need to cultivate this in myself just like I did for my students and I do for my children. So its time to start seeing myself with a new perspective, with new eyes.

I have started bullet journaling. My new year’s resolution was to start journalling the good the bad and the ugly but it didn’t work out well so I decided it was time to think about me. It was time to re-illustrate “the me” that I used to love. I decided that the way to do this was through writing and drawing and having fun. I’m not the best writer but I enjoy sharing parts of me if it helps someone else. I think that is something that has been lost. The need and want to help others. I miss that old sense of community that people would stop and help someone with groceries or pay for someone’s coffee. What happened I don’t know and frankly, I don’t care. I am going to go back to those ideals and try to focus on rediscovering myself. On my way I will try to be honest with myself but more importantly I will try to see myself as others see me, complete, not as I saw myself, broken.

Sorry for myself…

Since the last time I posted I have managed to have multiple breakdowns. Wanted to have myself committed. Drunken to excess to just numb myself. I have wanted to not be here, yes you know what I mean. I have also done things that I never expected like take time off work to rediscover me. I have managed to get my husband to fall back in love with me not that he was out of love but I guess it was more like sparks again. I have found my love of cooking. I have found out what it means to be a Mom and enjoy my children.

My work has not allowed me to bring my service dog, without him I struggle to cope. I have pushed and pushed myself to the point of breaking and finally the night before I had to go work I hysterically started crying like I was dying. My husband gave me some sleeping aids called out of work for me and said we have to fix this. I decided to take time off work find a therapist and life looks so much better. I know we will be tight for money but my husband said it doesn’t matter if I’m not happy.

Every day I miss working but if I don’t have my tools than I’m not whole. I know I have a disability but it isn’t an inability it’s just that I need my service dog. He knows me better than I know me. He alerts when panic attacks are coming on when I am extremely anxious. He even started alerting when I have hypoglycemia and my sugar levels drop dangerously low. It just really feels awful to feel like I gave up on my students when I really haven’t, my sense of responsibility to be out there teaching is a major part of my person but I know that I am limited if I don’t have the tools that I need.

For now, I am trying not to think about it because it does hurt to not be helping my students. I also need my tools to help navigate a life with disabilities. Am I wrong? Is it bad that I took the time? I think about being at work but I also like the me that I am now. I think that if I were allowed my service dog my students would get more out of me. I know I am a good teacher because I care and push and work hard to get them to learn. I have accomplished goals that were deemed impossible without my dog, imagine what I could do with him. I am disabled not because I want to be but because it’s my genetic makeup. I have tools to make me whole yet I can’t use them… What do you think?

Life gets in the way!

Sometimes, no matter how much you try things just hit the fan and you’re left with a pile a poo. That’s what the last couple of weeks feel like for me. I want to be an able body but things just keep getting in the way.

People have been out at work and there have been gap and holes that I have been trying to fix not because I want to but because I don’t want the poor substitute to be left stranded and to have students speak down to her, that is unfair. I might not always stand up for myself but I will stand up for other when I see something isn’t right.

The demands of work are getting overwhelming, having to go above and beyond is ok if you volunteered for it but the reality is that we just keep getting asked to do more, we aren’t machines and playing on the heartstrings of teachers isn’t something that you should do. As teachers we choose this profession with the hopes of helping other but how can we help others is we are getting pulled in so many directions?

Working overtime… Tutoring hasn’t really been demanding. I tutor and amazing child, it’s more like I just have another item on my todo list. I do have to acknowledge that tutoring takes time and focused attention.

Then there is the home life, having stepchildren isn’t always as easy as it may look especially when you are parenting with someone that you don’t agree with. Days are filled with lice treatments for my stepchildren because they have been coming home with it since June. Then the disinfecting process that goes with it. Washing sheets, wiping and spraying. Trying to keep the other two from catching it and yourself. Having your OCD really go into overdrive, thinking you got some on your person.

Then, there is you. You know you aren’t like everyone else and your not supposed to but having an invisible disability really takes a toll on you. Having Teddy has helped a lot but I am limited, I put in a request for work and I am still waiting. Teddy is an owner trained service dog, he is still in training but already is alerting to some of my behaviors. He gives me a sense of independence that I didn’t think was possible. Already I have noticed that I am venturing out and exploring alone, or with family. Teddy is an SDiT so we still go to classes and training which is fun. I actually enjoy it and see it more as a destresser than anything else.

Regardless, my life just seems like chaos. I have a pending court date for the kids who I adore. I would love to adopt them but their Mom is still involved. Life just gets so complicated… Modern Mommy has to be on 24/7 but really she needs a month plus vacation…

Mommy!!!

Being a parent isn’t easy and I really do wish they came with instructions but they don’t. My children were sick this weekend and I took Friday and Monday off since they wanted nothing to do with Dad, just Mommy. Over the weekend, I realized how hard it is to balance work and life. I felt guilty because I took time to be with my children.  How is it that although I invest more than 10 hours a week in free overtime I feel guilt over taking time to snuggle with babies that will only one be 1 and 2 for a short while?

What do you do when you don’t feel like you?

I remember I used to enjoy life. The thought of children although scary was also thrilling to have a little mini version of you to chase around as giggles fill the air. What happened to me? I look outside and I’m scared. I look at my children as they hold up their arms for me to care and I think I wish I could feel and I know that I should. I know that I love them and I say it to them but I wonder if they feel my love when I don’t feel it. What happened to me?

It has been awhile

It has been a long time since I have been on here. It feels like ages. Truthfully, life seems to have gotten in the way. As I have stated in the past, most of you know that I suffer from anxiety and depression.  My husband and I talked to our doctor about whether I would qualify for a service dog. Turns out I do.

Teddy is just 8 months old and he is an owner trained service dog in training. I’m struggling with him, not in the sense that he is bad but in the sense that people see him and they want to know whats wrong with me. Having Teddy is like this giant label and regardless I will carry my label as long as Teddy is with me because he does help. I feel like I got duped into thinking that normal does exist when truthfully it doesn’t. What do you think?

How do I just let it go?

How do I let things go? Here I am trying to make it through the day and all want to do it call it quits. My husband read my last blog and I could tell that it really affected him. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad but what I wanted was to tell someone how I feel. He is my partner in crime except when it comes to my depression and anxiety. How do I tell him that it really isn’t him that it’s me. How do I tell him that there are moments when I wish I want here and that no matter how much I want to say I love you I just can’t. There is this invisible wall that doesn’t let me escape that no matter how much I want to be there and enjoy the moment I just can’t. How do I tell him that there are times when I don’t want to be here and I know its not right to feel like that but I do?