Anxiety and Depression

There have been a lot of recent articles and postings all over social media on the topics of depression and anxiety. There’s a wealth of knowledge out there but regardless of how much knowledge there is, no one will actually know how it feels unless they have it and suffer from it.

Most people reading this are probably like here it goes again… Another person talking about something that they can control, it’s just a state of mind. I suffer from both anxiety and depression, for years but, in my culture, I was told that I was bored or that it didn’t exist. I have a very supportive husband that pushed me to seek professional help. To the world, I seem to have a my shiznit together, aka my life together. In reality, I am putting on my mask and creating my happy persona or what people want to see.

No one want to know that you got issues, especially mental health ones. Why? That just means you are crazy and should be in the loony bin. I struggle with it all the time. I’ve been on medication and I try to avoid taking it; knowing that I need it. Always hoping that I made it up that it doesn’t exist. Instead, I live in my head talking to myself avoiding people and social interactions even with my own children and spouse.

I try to make myself go out and have people come over my house when all I want to do crawl into a hole and sleep for an infinite amount of time. Or cry until I have no more tears to cry for no reason at all.  Yet, I don’t do it. I make my life this routine service where a clock can be set and I try never to deviate from it. I get up in the morning, feed the babies, let them out of the cribs, play with them, shower, put them down for a nap, make lunch, feed them, etc.

Secretly, I want them to take a nap just so that I can go curl into myself and sleep to shut off the doubt and chaos in my mind. Instead, I pretend like everything is alright. I avoid going out with my service dog in training and I set my routines hoping no one will notice that I am damaged. I am broken… Being like this is not acceptable, especially for someone like me who has it all: multiple degrees, a career, a loving husband, children, a home, family…

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