Messing up

IMG_2735Every night I go to bed and I think about how bad I messed up. Or rather, are the choices that I made the right one for my family and me. Everyday, I think what can I fudge up on today! No, I don’t think that but I do think that I am messing up royally. I hide my shame and push through thinking I am lucky to be alive so why don’t I feel like it?

It’s morbid, I know, to think the way that I do. I know that this isn’t the way to go about it but I can’t help what I am thinking.  I know that I shouldn’t but regardless I still do it.

Every night, I go to bed thinking how could I do better or rather how can I be better for those that I love? Then, I think isn’t that messed up? Shouldn’t I want to be better for me? Where do I factor into this equation?

I no longer recognize me… I don’t know where I fit or where I should belong… Is that right or wrong? I know that I am important but how do I tell myself that? How do I change this?

It is sad,  I know but I can only be honest with myself when I let go, after a glass of wine. I know this might not be healthy but it’s also not a regular thing. I know I can’t make a habit out of it. Routines are important… they are how I live my life…

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