Undeserving

Why is it that as parents, we feel like we are undeserving of ourselves? I know that when I wake up to my personal alarm, usually my one and two year olds crying, it’s time to start the day. First thing is to get them settled, usually changing diapers, getting bottles of milk, breakfast, etc. In between, I am usually rushing to drink my coffee knowing that solid breakfast doesn’t really happen until lunch which is  made while they nap… I usually end up sharing my lunch when they wake up in between my eating it.

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I know that I do a lot for my family often at my expense and I feel myself burning out, so why do I feel guilt when I take some time for me? Why do I feel awful when my ten minute shower turns into a 40 minute one since the kids are actually napping when I finally decided I had time to become human again? Why is there guilt when I took 20 minutes to read a crappy romance novel that is a luxury instead of rushing to do laundry? Maybe, it’s because time is a luxury or rather those moments to spare are. As parents, we put ourselves last and sometimes that makes us worse. I know I’m not the greatest of parents, I have snapped at my children when I overworked myself and yet I feel guilt when I try to recharge my battery.

The society, we live in now values efficiency and I think it’s great but  it means that the aspects of life or rather the luxury of time for ourselves is obsoleted. Is that where the guilt comes from because I’m no longer being efficient?

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