Anxiety and depression… I went to the doctor’s. My medication isn’t working as well as it should. It’s ninety degrees outside and sunny, I should want to be out with my kids chasing the dogs instead, I see this invisible fence that won’t let me feel for them. What kind of monster am I? I know that I love them and I will protect them but why can’t I feel for them. They are there and it’s like I’m not even in the same room with them. I have pretty cute kids that cuddle and hug. I should be beaming at them. I know I am physically there but it’s like I can’t be part of their world. An outsider always staring in… Why?
My husband suprises me with roses and I should be over the moon. Instead, I go through the motions of hugging him and giving him a kiss. All the while, I am thinking ugh how long is this going to last. Why did he bother with the flowers? Will he be expecting sex tonight because I don’t think I can handle that. I mean who does that? Me, that’s who. I thank him and try to go to bed before him. I shouldn’t be like this but I am. Why?
I feel like an empty shell and as I explain this to my doctor I feel guilt because there in the room is my husband, holding my hand as I cry about it all. I think how can this man be here like this after I just said that I don’t want him near me. How can he stand to be married to someone like me? I’m robotic and cold. I don’t let my feelings show and when I talk about them I need him in the room with the doctor even if he sees what a monster I am. How can I explain this to anyone? How do I tell people that I love that I can’t love them the way that they might want me to?